Friday, April 27, 2007

step back cuz i'm a jet black ninja

conventional thought tells us that if you flip a coin, 50% of the time it will come up heads and 50% of the time it will come up tails. i have recently hired Dr. Charles Epps to investigate this statement. turns out that 53% of the time it will come up heads, and only 47% of the time it will be tails. you can confirm this by watching that show Numbers. or eating goat cheese.

i just got a phone call. turns out that i didn't get tickets for jeopardy. oh well. i liked alex trebek better when he had a moustache. he seems quite pompous without it. little known fact: his dad was a fireman who was killed by smoky the bear as part of a twisted love triangle.

here is a t-shirt design i did for a very sick little girl named ava awhile back. it is getting ready to be released thru the company 70 star 7
here is their website:
check them out when you get a chance. they are an awesome company and donate a lot of money to a lot of great causes.
to read more about ava, check out her website
unfortunately she passed away last week. she was 3.5 years old

i am not sure on the release date of the shirts yet. a good friend of mine from Brazil, Henry, has the honors of the first shirt in the run. it is up and available for purchase now. for my design, we are going to do a larger run(from the standard 70) to try and get more money for ava's charity. keep your eyes peeled as my shirts will eventually be available. of course, i will keep you posted.

here are 2 pictures. one is my original design(so you can see it clearly) and the other is the design printed up on the shirt(a mock up). make sure to click on the picture so it opens up nice and big in a new window. please excuse the pixelation on the design. i promise it is much clearer in person, i just didnt want to post a hi-res image on here.

i hope you enjoy it. $15 of every shirt that is sold goes to the wish for ava charity.

ok...i am done with the serious shit for now. i should go back to work. i will have more artwork to show off sometime soon. i am scheduled to be involved in a couple of different artshows over the next few months. i have a few interviews i have to do(that i am 98% sure i won't take seriously and will end up babbling about glo-worms and tibetan monkeys). i also should have an advertisement for "el maz" coming out in clutter magazine. although, for the life of me, i am not entirely sure why i bought advertising space or what the hell i am advertising. my 8-bit piece is still available. you should buy it. for it will give you protection against bridge trolls. bridge trolls have been known to eat your eyelids. i can not be held accountable for your inactions or your future inability to blink.

always remember, 4 out of 5 dentists recommend El Maz,

Friday, April 20, 2007

8-bit hangover

so, the opening of the 8-bit show was tuesday night. word on the street is there were 1400 people in attendance that evening. if you ask me and my masters engineering degree in people counting, it felt more like 1538. i am attempting to perfect the art of crowd snorkeling and will keep you posted on my advances in that field. the temperature inside was 156.9 degrees fahrenheit. don't ask me what the celsius measurement was, because i don't live in europe and if i did i would wear a beret and grow a goatee and sip capuccino between the hours of 9 am and 11 am. the temperature outside of the show was a very snuggly 14 degrees, and the wind was a mild 370 miles per hour. behind the back lot, there was a large group of people betting on tumbleweed races. i won 12 bucks on "stickles". he just looked like he was built for speed. sadly, during his victory lap he was run over by a cadillac escalade driven by the ghost of ODB. R.I.P. Mr. Stickles, you magnificent flat bastard.

so, where to start? the show was obviously a huge success. the level of work in this show is insane. the show will be running until May 12th, so if you get a chance i highly recommend you head down there and check out the fantastic work in person. i also recommend that you eat at La Brea Bakery and have dessert at Pinkberry. i don't recommend that you shop at Cantoni's, because you will be pissed that you can't afford a 10,000 dollar couch. IF you do decide to check out the show in person, there are two things you will need to bring with you. first, you need diapers, because just glancing at these beauties will make you shit your pants. your bowels will turn to liquid ooze and your ass will explode like a sickly poodle with dysentary. second, you will need one of those crazy shadow boxes with a tiny pinhole in it used by 8 year olds to watch solar eclipses. you can not stare at the sheer magnificence of this show without this viewing device. you will blind yourself, and your eyeballs will most likely partially melt and then fall out. you have been warned. we are not liable for your actions.

if you can not make it down to the show in person, i recommend you check out pictures on gallery 1988's website of available pieces to purchase here:
you can also email the gallery at to check the availability of any pieces you are interested in buying. my painting is currently available for purchase(scroll down to my previous post from 4.17.07 to see my painting for this show). if you buy it, then i can buy a pony. and a daniel boone hat.

i ran into quite a few people at the show. i was finally lucky enough to meet Roland Tamayo who is a serious up-and-coming artist. his intricate work on backgrounds and layouts is fucking nuts. i also got to meet Paul Chatem who had a killer piece called "pac it in". this dude's characters are ridiculously sick. chatted it up with Steven Daily for a bit until i lost him somewhere in the crowd. i was stoked to have my piece hanging right above his in the show. spent some time chatting with my good buddy Craola and his wife Jenn. always nice to catch up with them. they are probably the nicest two people i have ever met. ran into Joe Ledbetter out back who paid me some serious compliments on my piece. fuckin blew me away! an artist i have respected for quite some time offering his respect to me and my work. way cool stuff.

there were plenty of cameras and interviews going on inside the show. G4, MTV, coin op tv, vinyl pulse, and i believe a few others were all there. i was interviewed by a couple of them. i am sure i sounded like a complete retard due to my inability to hear myself think and my extreme A.D.D. i was having a good time changing my name every time i was interviewed. on tuesday my "real name" was Jiminy McDean, Joseph Schulmann, and Gregory Vance. be on the lookout for those 3 guys. one of them owes me 20 bucks.

the first video(done by Vinyl Pulse and Ace Carrero) is up on you tube here:
the video features me looking very cool in my stolen wheelchair. sometimes you gotta rough up those paraplegics so they know their place. i didn't want to do it, but it had to be done. he was just too smug.

further coverage of the show is available at these places:
good article at the los angeles times:,0,1427190.story?coll=cl-home-more-channels


this dude has a cool slide show of the artwork:

ok, i have rambled long enough. always remember to respect potty time. congratulations to jensen, katie, and jon on a great 8-bit show.

with all my love,
Joseph Schulmann

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

sixteen versus eight

good morning doorknobs and douchebags. and to all of my hacidic friends, good morning hebrews and shebrews.

i come here today to unveil my piece for the "I am 8-bit" show that opens tonight at Gallery 1988 on Melrose. the piece is titled "sixteen versus eight". it is a 13" x 17" acrylic painting on wood panel. it also has a custom frame, which brings the overall measurement close to 16" x 20". frame is not shown in this picture. the black outline is just my awesome illustrator skills that i learned from a guy named Pablo. and a lady named Lindsay.

please make sure to click on the picture so it will open up nice and big for you. the image is quite large, so remember to expand the picture even more to get more juicy goodness.

if for some reason the picture won't open up in a separate window, try this link:

inspirations: duck hunt, earthworm jim, super mario bros 1 and 2, tetris.

this will be available for purchase today. probably right now. or in a few minutes. or tonight. or tomorrow. buy it. so i can get a prosthetic arm. with one of those creepy metal pincher things on it. then i would go around and force people to shake my cold metal fingers when i meet them. and people would have to. because if they didn't they would look like assholes. the kind of assholes who are afraid of people with disabilities. and harelips.

never trust a man named todd,


Wednesday, April 11, 2007

18 words of wisdom from El Maz

thinking back on things i have learned over the past couple of years, i figure it might be worthwhile to offer some suggestions and advice for other artists. these are all things i have learned(usually the hard way)

1. before you do anything else, buy this book called "Graphic Artists Guild Handbook: Pricing & Ethical Guidelines (Graphic Artists Guild Handbook of Pricing and Ethical Guidelines). you can buy it at Amazon, here is the direct link:
there is so much info in here that i wish i had at my fingertips a year or two ago. it's about 22 bucks. pony up and buy it for god's sake.

2. always do work with a contract. a contract is your safety net(as well as your client's). if a company doesnt want to deal with contracts, you don't want to deal with them. plain and simple.

3. understand, and accept, that if you do enough work eventually somewhere along the way someone will fuck you. it has happened at least once to almost every artist i know. i don't wish it upon anyone, but the odds are that it will occur. the trick is to not get bummed out and walk away from everything just because you got burned. the best thing to do is to learn from that mistake and make sure you don't fall into the same trap again. i didn't follow my rule # 2, which is how i got dry-fucked on 2 separate occasions.

4. 99% of things in life are not free. even if you think they are free, they aren't! almost everything comes with strings attached. always be very wary when people are offering you free things or gifts. usually, that offer is followed up by a phone call or an email requesting you do an insane amount of work for little or no compensation/exposure.

5. it isn't always about money. every time you are approached for a project or an art show, you should weigh the positives vs. the negatives. i know this may seem like common sense, but several people i have talked to have made the mistake of chasing money and not doing what they really wanted to do. if you know that a project will end up providing a huge amount of exposure that will lead to more work, that may be more important in the long run than a couple extra bucks in the short-term.

6. you do not have to take every job that you are offered. even though some may seem like the chance of a lifetime, i have found that those chances will usually come back around again. careers are built over the long term reflected by a stack of solid work, not based upon one or two home-runs that you hit. it is your right to choose who you work with, what you work on, and when you will be working on it. try not to forget that.

7. learn how to promote the shit out of yourself. you are your own representative. you are your own advertising firm. whatever means you need to take in order to get your name and your work out there, then do it.

8. slowly build a clientele and a list of people who have purchased your artwork in the past or are just generally interested in your work(and hopefully owning some of it in the future). these people are your VIP's. always remember that they took a blind leap of faith on you when you were just starting out. a little contact with them goes a long way, even if it is just to drop a line to see how they are doing and to inform them(or show them sneak peeks) of your upcoming works. keeping a previous client satisfied is a lot easier than convincing new people to buy your work.

9. build, and sustain, a group of artists who you would consider to be your friends. help each other out. if someone contacts you to be in a show, and you know that 4 of your friends have been dying to do a similar show, give the gallery your friend's info and vice versa. if you have 5 people working towards a similar goal, it is far easier to reach that goal than when you try to do it all alone. plus, it is way cooler to be in a show with your friends than with pompous douchebags who don't have any interest in talking to you.

10. don't overbook yourself. i can't stress this one enough. it ties in with #6. turning down a job is far better than promising you will be involved in something and then having to back out at a later date due to time constraints. it ends up reflecting poorly on you and your work ethic.

11. never be afraid to network and meet new people. if you go to a new gallery, seek out the owners and introduce yourself to them. try stopping by on a slow day and chatting with them. word of mouth is a strong thing. i am not suggesting you be pushy, but getting to know them will help you in the long run. if you are shy(i frequently am) about your work, drop them an email at a later date and provide a few samples of your work. just let them know that if there is ever a group show in the future you would love to be included. and for god's sake, IF they do invite you to be in a show, pay attention to rule #10 and don't flake on them.

12. be careful who you align yourself with. sadly, if a company or a close friend of yours does some super shady shit, and you are known to be close with them, it can end up reflecting poorly upon you. of course, no one knows what the future can hold, but if a company has a tumultuous past you might think twice about aligning yourself with them.

13. your attitude goes a long ways. don't be that prick artist who has such a huge ego he can't be bothered talking to someone who admires what he does. if you suck at being sociable, then don't go to an event where you will be asked to sign and draw for people. simple. stay home and paint and hate the world. there are tens of thousands of talented people in this world. someone will always be more talented, more hot, more popular, and more busy than you are. unless you are chuck norris. he is the top of the food chain.

14. learn how to listen to criticism. note, i said listen to, not accept. everyone has an opinion, and if you are completely satisfied with your final product it doesn't truly matter what someone else has to say. most criticism is complete shit. but in some comments you can usually find something to learn from and grow from. i believe you can keep from being stagnant if you keep one ear open. but don't change who you are and what you do just because some jacknut told you to paint hands a certain way or that your style looks like so-and-so.

15. always be accessible. if someone writes you an email, try and respond within a reasonable time frame. it's common courtesy.

16. going to art school does not make you an artist.

17. understand that some promises are just empty promises. try not to get bummed out when a project falls thru or a company decides to go with a different artist. it happens. paying attention to rule #2 can oftentimes help with this problem, but not always.

18. never forget who you are, what your vision is, and where you want it to take you. don't be afraid to change things up now and then. never sacrifice your vision because of a project. take pride in yourself and what you do. oh, and make sure you eat lots of corn. and pulled-pork sandwiches. and always remember to floss.

thanks for stopping by,

Sunday, April 8, 2007

mutha fuckin right, pockets lookin kinda tight!

good evening ladies and elmer's glue eaters. i come bearing good news. i finally finished my 8-bit piece(late last night). 1000 songs later on my ipod. to make this fun i will intersperse random lyrics i hear as i type this blog(starting with the title). i don't believe i can post up a picture of my 8 bit piece just yet, but as soon as i can, i will.

"all my stitches itch, my prescription's low. i wish you were queen, just for today"

i have been listening to my ipod on random for the past 2 months or so. i am currently on song 1509 out of 5077. the rule is that i have to listen to them all without forwarding thru or skipping any of them. i figure if i was dumb enough to put them on my ipod in the first place, then i should have to suffer thru some of the god-awful filler tracks on some of my favorite cd's. and holy hell, there have been some bad ones(see: Probot).

"screamin like you dyin every time i'm fuckin you"

i also wrapped up 2 new designs for Rockstar Games. these are the skeletons of them, they will use whatever filler colors they choose. they are throw-ups (or throwies or whatever you feel like calling them) and will be plastered throughout the game to make it look like some little tiny video game Maz ran thru the town with a digital can of spray paint destroying all of the nice clean alleys. poor fake Los Angeles. poor fake people. hooray for fake boobies. sadly, i am still only a level 8 ninja, and that means that i still can not provide any information as to what the game is or when it is coming out. i have been told that if i pull some Karate Kid Daniel-son type of shit and catch 14 live flies with chopsticks then i can obtain this information. my record is only 12 flies, so a level 8 i shall remain. Mr. Miyagi was always too drunk to train me.

"where my sistas? where my sistas at?"

check em out:

"so, i've decided to take my work underground"

i will also be participating in the upcoming Vinyl Toy Network in Pasadena on Sunday May 6th. the last one was in December and was a blast. i will be there signing and drawing for anyone who wants me to sign and draw for them. a few of the things i will be signing: women's bras, vinyl sex toys, blank checks, qees, prosthetic arms, golf clubs, dead plants, and pictures of 2pac. things i won't be signing: men's bras, flip flops, pictures of Principal Belding, toothless gerbils, toothpaste, toothbrushes, and lemons. i will also be playing the harmonica and dancing like a flapper later in the afternoon(at the same time). so yeah, come and say hi...or come and yell at me...or just stay home and yell at your stationary bicycle for being lazy and unambitious like it's other siblings.

"just how damaged have i become?"

also on the horizon for me is a pretty cool show in silverlake at Monkeyhouse toys(fuck, i hope i spelled the name of the place right) that i will be participating in. the show is in June and is called Cereal Killers(or maybe Serial Killers?). basically, artists are going to provide their version/interpretation of classic cereal box characters. should be a good time. i was going to do a custom toy, but i have decided to do a wood panel painting instead. definitely looking forward to this one, i am gonna start sketching out my ideas this week.

"i used to watch my grandmother catch the holy ghost in church"

ok, well i have to go eat some breakfast for dinner and watch amazing race. i also apparently have to learn how to become a mechanic(before tomorrow morning) because half of the lights on my truck decided not to work. i think they are on strike and it has something to do with fidel castro and the bay of pigs. but they were yelling at me in cuban and i can only speak french, so fuck them(and if you know how to speak cuban, tell me how to tell them to fuck off and get back to work and then how to tell them to roll me a cigar). i am going to hire scab workers to replace them in the meantime.

"yes indeedy, i wrote graffiti on the bus"

good luck and happy thanksgiving. the rabbit stuffing was delicious.